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show · me · your · darkest · side
and you better be my bloody match
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An uneasiness creeping in. 2009 has started off well enough, but we're now a 24th of the way through (I say with tongue firmly planted in cheek), and I feel my philosophy toward the new year changing for the darker. I hoped that when the clock stroked midnight, I would finally be free from the baggage of last year, but it's not that easy. Anger is turning to hurt. Anxiety to resignation. When I first moved to New York, I felt like the physical distance from my past would be the ticket. Not that there is anything wrong with my past or my roots or whatever, but just that I couldn't get to the next level without that space. Then I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie while I was out walking around one day during my first year in New York, and I heard Ben Gibbard sing these words to me: I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective...the hardest part is yet to come. 18-year-old me didn't want to admit that a fatal flaw could have been identified in my grand plan, but I came to realize that Mr. Gibbard wasn't altogether wrong on one count. But here I sit, six and a half years later, wondering why my life in 2009 so closely resembles my life in 2008, when I had grand visions and ideas about how different things would be. In fact, I'm now reasking myself some of the questions I thought I'd answered and put to bed last July. This is where Ben was totally right. The hardest part was yet to come. And it's starting to hit now. I didn't want this blog to be a place where I would dwell on negativity - it was going to be rainbows and flowers and ponies and all the hot fudge sundaes you could eat. But perhaps my first lesson of 2009 is that you really do have to take the good with the bad. And sometimes the bad with the good. Unfortunately, negativity is part of life - bad things happen, and those bad things are constant reminders of realities, the proverbial writing on the wall. But isn't there a yin and yang to this? Yes, there are bad things, negative things that weigh you down, but there are also really amazing, life-affirming events that happen all the time and are sometimes so fleeting that you barely notice they happen? In the three weeks since I toasted to the new year with a glass of Sparkletini, I have not lost all 15 pounds I wanted to lose. In fact, let's be honest. I probably need to lose closer to 20 to be back in the healthy BMI range for my height. And the chocolate fudge cake I ate for dinner three times this week did not help. I spent way too much money, and now I'm going to have to eat spaghetti and whatever else I can find in the freezer until my next paycheck. My hopes for a grand 25th birthday party celebration are tending toward the subdued side of grand these days. I feel like I just got dumped - but that happened six months ago! On the other hand though, I got my act together on the volunteering front of things and did an orientation with New York Cares - I'm participating my first volunteering activity next Friday. I'm exploring my options with online dating so I can meet some new people. I took a yoga class that reminded me of how good it feels to stretch and breathe. I'm planning on doing a detox diet soon. I invited long-lost friends to my birthday celebration in hopes of reconnecting. I took a lovely walk in the snow last weekend. It's hard to keep struggling uphill when the status quo is so much more accessible. But if the goal of this is to be satisfaction, then settling is not an option. 2009 is the year to remember that. |
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so, i survived the move! thanks to those of you who sent messages of good will and so forth...i apologize if i didn't reply. i wanted to...things just got kinda hairy there at the end. all in all, it went surprisingly well. me, being the anal retentive control freak that i am, had the entire day planned out. kinda to the minute. what i couldn't plan for was the elevator in my new building being taken out of service that week to be replaced. did i mention my new place is on the 6th floor? of a 6 floor building. yeah. teamwork and good humor prevailed, however, and the job was done in an astonishingly tiny amount of time. so, it was one of the more painless moves i've had. my friend (and neighbor!), erin, made the analogy that renting an apartment here is a little like marrying someone the day after you meet them at a speed dating event. totally true. for instance, how was i to know that it takes 20 minutes for the water to get hot in my shower? and that the showerhead needed to be replaced with something that would actually get the shampoo out of my hair? i also don't remember my front door being bent, but it is definitely bent. and sliding doors on a closet aren't all they're cracked up to be. and, for the love of god, WHY are doors to the undersink cabinet in the kitchen only 7 inches wide?! all the sliding organizers are at least 9 inches wide! and there definitely weren't guys smoking pot on the first floor stairs when i came to see the place. but, it's a place of my own. a not terribly small, kinda cozy and lovely space just for me. as an only child, i cannot stress the "all mine" component of this enough. pictures here!. i still have a bit of organizing to do, and my bedframe is supposed to be delivered monday, so more pictures will be posted as things get a little more straightened out. i'm really quite pleased all in all though. and howl and greenwich seem to be settling in quite well. it's definitely an interesting neighborhood. and by interesting, i mean gentrifying. i'm wanting to do a little research on the history of the area. by and large, the population of my neighborhood is west indian/carribean. but it's changing, and the tension is definitely there. i it's a little awkward walking through the laundromat to pick up my laundry (yes, pick up as in i've paid to have someone wash my dirty panties), with my bag of organic selections from whole foods. a walk of shame in and of itself. i haven't had much time to think through the various positions and critiques on the situation...but it is what it is. i had other things to do this weekend (like go to samurai sword fighting class!), and it's not really saving me any money to wash my own clothes. and the fabric softener the ladies use is fabulous. it's worth it for the smell alone. also, i get a freshdirect delivery once a week. for those of you not in the know, freshdirect is an nyc grocery delivery service. i go online, pick out what i want and need for the week, pick a delivery time, and voila! my groceries magically appear at my door! it's really quite fabulous. i am so bourgeois. i need to go to bed. |
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replacement tenant approved? check.
new apartment found? check.
date set for lease to be signed? check.
tentative moving date identified? check.
.......
Yes I heard all that you had to say
That's when it all fell apart
Might be hated, but I can't pretend
I liked you better before
So long, so long, front foot leads the back one
Go on and it won't be too soon
I'm gone, I'm gone and on to the next one
So long, and I won't be back soon
Yes I'm blue, but from holding my breath
Like I have from the start
I'm the villain and I should confess
I liked you better before
So long, so long and on to the next one
Go on and it won't be too soon
I'm gone, I'm gone, bet you saw this one coming
So long and I won't be back soon
It's hateful to say, see it this way
Don't even know who you are
But in my defense I'd do it again
I don't need to know who you are
So long, so long and on to the next one
Go on and it won't be too soon
You're gone, you're gone, are you waiting for something?
Go on cause I won't be back soon
It's hateful to say, see it this way
Don't even know who you are
But in my defense I'd do it again
I don't need to know who you are
So long, so long, front foot leads the back one
Go on and it won't be too soon
You're lost and gone and on to the next one
Don't need to know who you are
Don't need to know who you are |
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Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test... HFPS - The Humanitarian
You perceive the world with particular attention to humanity. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the shapes around you. Because of the value you place on humanity, you tend to seek out other people and get energized by being around others. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You prefer a structured environment within which to live and you like things to be predictable. The Perception Personality Types:  Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy |
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the person who is going to be moving into my apartment is really nice. but it's really difficult to walk through the place with her as she makes her list of what to repair and fawning over the space. it has its flaws...a crazy landlord, memories...it is time to start over. i'll be ecstatic over my new place, whenever i find it, i'm sure. but for now...it's hard.
Current Mood: |
melancholy |
Current Music: |
history detectives | |
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i am watching things on my tivo that are from december. i keep seeing commercials for christmas sales. and news from 8 months ago too! i'm staying in new york. another year, two years, who knows. i'm staying for now though. brooklyn, here i come... |
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So, I was in Seattle last week for a conference associated with my job. I was getting off the elevator to go back to my room after dinner one night...a fabulous meal...more on that later...anyway, just as I stepped off the elevator, I flicked my gaze upward and noticed a slip of paper on the floor. It looked like a fortune out of a fortune cookie, and naturally I stooped to pick it up. It read: "You will make change for the better."
The universe was talking to me?
...It's been a crazy few months. Years. Let's settle on a crazy indeterminate amount of time spanning years, but maybe not decades, unless you want to get really involved in the crazy cause and effect of life, which would be awesome, but have you ever seriously done it? Mindblowing.
Digression, again. Sorry.
Crazy long ass time. There. And during the crazy long ass time, I have decided to leave home, move 900 miles away for really fucking expensive degree with no realistic interest in any semblance of a matching salary. Parents get sick, I get freaked out, parents stabilize (not better, perhaps)....I chill out, finish school, get a pretty decent job, parents are ok and then start sliding toward iffy...I work my ass off at said pretty decent job, get into grad school (at Columbia!) and pretty decent job (you know the one) is going to pay for it! Sweet ass! I'll get ANOTHER semi-useless degree, and this time, i won't have to pay for it! Grad school starts, it's awesome, we're awesome, life is pretty decent, and boom.
I spent Good Friday pacing around Butler Library hyperventilating. I had a paper that had to be written in full, perfect on the first try to be written, and it wasn't coming. So, I cried. Didn't eat. Drank a LOT of coffee (very bad idea on a very empty stomach). Started crying. Went home and cried some more. I wrote the paper the next day, and it was written in full and perfect on the first try. I should get that trademarked! Not really.
A few days earlier, Mom and I were having one of our maybe bi-weekly phone conversations, and she almost blurted out "He's getting worse on a daily basis." I could hear the frustration in her voice, and I calculated that things must be very bad. Never one to shrink in desperation, she forged ahead, and over the next few weeks corraled his general neurologist, the neurosurgeon, the neuropsychologist, another neurologist - a gait and balance specialist this time - and movement had started in the direction of surgery again.
I did what I always do. I dug into my work. All of it. School, job, the whole bit. I had a calendar where I meted out my workload for school, in daily digestible portions, like fucking Lean Cuisines. And for a few weeks, it worked. I got up, went to work, did my work, came home, ordered dinner, opened my books and settled in with that day's chunk. Went to bed late, got up early...repeat...until I pretty much just lost my shit for what was perhaps the second time if you consider my Butler experience. I started having a visceral reaction at the thought of anything even remotely related to my studies. I flinched when I stumbled upon an article that mentioned the UN while reading the newspaper one morning. I knew that was it. I had had a full blown panic attack one night, and I was out. It became very obvious to me that it was not going to happen anytime soon. I began to take an inventory of things very quickly.
Job: Good. Finally found my niche at work, and I decided not to pursue law school anymore. 80 hours a week to repay the loans from undergrad and law school was not something I could stomach. I decided to be a Project Manager. Even better, there's an office in Atlanta! It's just 20 minutes from the house!
Relationship with Matt: Had struggled at times, but was still sorting of riding on a bit of a better period.
Parents: Obvious.
I decided to start going to Atlanta more often, and just really tried to relax. Dad's surgery was during my first visit at the end of May. He was still in in-patient rehab, a period of time he doesn't really remember, which is probably for the best. I almost had a third break. I started everyday with absolutely crying my guts out. it finally passed after a couple of weeks.
Then, one Sunday evening, Matt announced that we were going to take a hiatus of an undetermined amount of time. He stayed with a friend, we talked, he came back on Friday. I left the following Tuesday to see my parents over the long weekend.
He left for good a couple of hours after I returned from Atlanta the following Tuesday. I went to bed single for the first time in a long time. Which was surprisingly easy. On the following Sunday, I left to spend 8 days in Seattle.
We're back to where we started. Back to the dinner. Fabulous. Escargot in a traditional basil pistou. Salade with goat cheese. Duck confit. Lavender Creme Brulee. A terrific bottle of wine. I'd had a night two nights before where I'd felt just plain dumped. Earlier that day I unintentionally saw and then totally intentionally read where a coworker (not a friend) said something kind of catty about me to another co-worker (a friend), and thus, the hot air balloon of self-esteem I had been riding since I had become a Fabulous Totally Empowered Ass-Kicking Single Woman Living in New York City, became a Totally and Completely Fucking Deflated Steamy Frizzy Hair-Inducing Kick in the Shins. Not trademark. And the middle night here, between feeling really awful (good meal though!) and the kick-ass French meal, was a night where I had two of the worst food items in my young adult life. Horrible.
So, when the elevators doors opened, and I saw that the universe might be speaking to me, I decided to listen. Of course, I'd given a lot of thought to moving back home in the past few months. I've really been reminded in the past few months just how mortal my parents are. I've returned to the idea of going home in the past few days. I've even gone so far as to look, wistfully, at the real estate listings in Virginia Highlands, Inman Park, Decatur...I think that maybe one day in the fairly near future, I'd love to own one of these beautiful homes on one of the gorgeous avenues, canopied with those lovely old drooping oak trees. A fenced in back yard with a dog, and the cats, and the space to have a nice grill!
But, I have the opportunity to be a Fabulous Totally Empowered Ass-Kicking Single Woman Living in New York City, too! Sure I can theoretically be all of those things in Atlanta, except of course the living in New York thing. But let's be honest here. When I'm in Atlanta I will probably be a Twenty-Four Year Old Hermit Who Reads Harry Potter and Talks to Her Cats and also, BTW, Lives with Her Parents. The sweet-ass house would be another few years, which would mean a completely different situation.
But I don't know how much longer I will have my parents. I don't know what's going to come next and who it's going to be. But it's coming.
Matt and I talked money. October 1 starts a new leaf. The way I'm thinking right now is that I need to decide whether to move to my own place here - perhaps a studio in Brooklyn, kinda near Park Slope? - or back to Atlanta. The apartment can be his. He can find a roommate.
I don't know about me.
I think I'm scared of giving up if I move back. Giving up on me, as I'm rediscovering and redeveloping my identity. I'd need to reconnect with a lot of lost friends for somewhere to start. I'd probably join the local slow food chapter for a social activity. Start knitting again, and maybe do something with that. But I'd have the freedom to do whatever I want, since my parents are pretty much the best ever.
I feel like there's something I'm just not seeing though. I don't have the reassurance I've had about other huge decisions in my life. Once I decided to go to NYU if I got in early decision, I just had a peace about it. I endured the same kind of geographic schizophrenia at the beginning of my senior year of high school. And then it fell into place. In a way, I've always left the really tough personal decisions up to chance. If x1 happens, I'll do y1. If x2, then y2 it is.
And then, just as now, my Mom refuses to offer too much guidance. She says just enough to reassure me, but not enough to have any influence over my decision. If she thinks in anyway that I am moving home because of her and dad, then she will not go for it.
For now, I'll just keep listening. |
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i consider myself to be fairly well-read...i, by no means, have read everything, but i consider myself generally familiar with literature. i've been known to stick my nose in a book or two. while i don't necessarily desire to read everything that is included on my partial or completely unread lists below (i.e. the hobbit), there are some that make me question why i haven't read it yet. so maybe i'll pick up a book or two now and again, and write about it maybe. like a book report. :) who knows.
Bold the books that you've read and underline the ones you started but never finished. Supposedly it's the top 106 books on the "unread" list of the website LibraryThing - meaning people buy them (or, you know, steal them from the library and never return them) and they sit on their bookshelves, unread.
...since these instructions were handed down, the addition of italics has been made in order to denote ownership. though, i suppose that the additional sorting i've done sort of eliminates the need for the fancypants code.
( let's start with the good news, shall we? )
Current Location: |
mah bed |
Current Mood: |
contemplative |
Current Music: |
hill's victory speech | |
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so, i took this meme that ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) moonshadows mentioned today. i love ones like these! it's a career matching quiz...i'm going to bold the ones i've ever considered. 1. Clergy 2. Politician3. Historian 4. Corporate / Commercial Lawyer 5. Judge6. Civil Litigator 7. Lawyer8. Criminal Lawyer 9. Probation / Parole Officer 10. Child and Youth Worker 11. Social Worker12. Anthropologist 13. Addictions Counselor 14. Picture Framer 15. Furniture Finisher 16. Upholsterer 17. Archivist18. Sign Maker 19. Jeweler20. Gerontologist 21. Gunsmith 22. Dental Lab Tech 23. Art / Music Therapist 24. Marriage and Family Therapist 25. Religious Worker 26. Community Worker 27. School Counselor28. Magician 29. Nail Technician 30. Foreign Service Officer31. Rehabilitation Counselor 32. Sport Psychology Consultant 33. Lobbyist34. Psychologist35. High School Teacher36. Set Designer 37. Special Effects Technician 38. Costume Designer 39. Music Teacher / Instructor 40. Foreign Language Instructor |
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really, this is the only reason i wanted to post. this video made me laugh in the same way that pearl did, which if you know my sense of humor...yeah. i found it hilarious.
while i'm here, i'll share.
the typical answer would be that things have been really busy. and that would be true and thensome. here is a brief rundown of the recent months:
1. we moved at the end of may. for those of you that remember, we had some *issues* with the co-op board that involved having cats and matt's final rehearsal for midsummers. we ended up paying $1000 extra for rent in may because we had to do a 1 month renewal on our old apartment at the new rent, plus half of may's rent. yeah. fortunately, it's an awesome apartment, and it makes our friends jealous.
2. june is a big black hole of a month.
3. i went to chicago for a meeting at the end of june though, so i get credit for that. and then the next morning, matt left for poland! for a week!
4. i was particularly sad about this because about a week after he got back, and i had to leave to go to las vegas! for a week!
5. i was in las vegas for the week for apac 2007. i stayed at the venetian--yes, as in venice. you see, at the venetian they have recreated the grand canal, complete with gondolas. and a fake sky and bizzarely "natural" lighting. and shopping. lots of shopping. did you know that they still allow people to smoke in the casinos? i know i'm a hypocrite about this, but come on. that's just gross. anyway. i worked a total of about 70 hours over the week, including my travel. this means, i got a very nice chunk of overtime to the tune of roughly 85% of one paycheck.
say it with me: nice!
i bought lots of shit. mostly food. and i paid rent. it was supposed to go into my savings to replace the moving expenses. let's not talk about that anymore.
back to the week of apac: i worked really hard and worked really long hours, but had a terrific time with my coworkers. but i missed matt and the kitties! my room was ridiculously huge for one person (1500 sf!). i was particularly sad though because 2 days after i got home, matt left to go to his stepsister's wedding in CA, and i left to go to atlanta! for a week! well, i was gone a week. matt was gone 4 days.
notice the trend though?
we've been home since then, which has been nice, although matt's rehearsals for cymbeline are picking up (that's where he is now!). i am leaving to go to chicago again tomorrow, and then matt and i are going to virginia late on friday. it's wiffleball time again! it's my yearly trip outside. seriously--this is the longest solid block of time i will spend outside this year. i mean, i'll go in on occasion to use the bathroom or get food, maybe check out the silent auction, but otherwise, i'll be baking outside.
then...i start classes. i got my acceptance letter into columbia over memorial day weekend. i'm starting the human rights studies program. part time. since i just got a promotion at work, which = big fat raise. sweeeeeeet.
i just ate the crunchy sesame italian-style breadsticks that came with my side salad, and i'm really regretting it. blech.
i'm really happy about tom glavine. i'm pissed about barry bonds. i'm indifferent to a-rod.
so, i think i'm done here. consider yourselves updated and entertained. with the video, certainly not me.
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